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Priority admissions are now available - Call 1300 856 847
Priority admissions are now available
Call 1300 856 847
Priority admissions are now available - Call 1300 856 847
Priority admissions are now available
Call 1300 856 847
There is no better feeling than being in love. It brightens everything, it makes us see beauty everywhere, and it makes us notice the best in everyone we encounter.
Unfortunately, those rose-coloured glasses of being in love can make it difficult to recognise warning signs of unsafe and potentially harmful behaviour. True, there might be a niggling feeling that something is a bit off, but unless something drastic happens, these thoughts are often pushed away. You might be telling yourself you’re overreacting, or making excuses on your partner’s behalf that you wouldn’t accept from anyone else. That’s a common response, not a sign of poor judgement on your part.
If you are concerned about your loved one’s relationship with alcohol, consider the following list of signs that may point to a person experiencing alcohol use disorder.
Considering that drinking is often a staple of Australian social culture, this warning sign often goes unnoticed for a long time. However, if your loved one is constantly planning outings, or nights in, with alcohol always front of mind, making sure it will be available and won’t run out, drinking may be overtaking the actual plans as the main objective. It can show up in small ways at first: choosing a venue because of the drinks list rather than the company or the occasion, or feeling unsettled at the idea of an event where drinking isn’t really part of it.
If your loved one can’t unwind without alcohol, there is cause for concern. There is nothing wrong with having a drink after a long day at work, but it should not be necessary to relax. You might notice they seem flat, restless or on edge until they’ve had a drink, or that a stressful day almost always ends the same way. Using alcohol occasionally to take the edge off is common. Relying on it as the only way to cope is a different pattern, and one that’s closely linked with a developing dependence.
As with every substance use disorder, tolerance tends to build as drinking becomes more regular, meaning it takes more alcohol to feel the same effect. If your loved one can consume large quantities without appearing intoxicated, it is worth paying closer attention to their drinking. It’s worth being cautious here too: appearing sober isn’t a reliable way to judge how much alcohol is actually in someone’s system, and needing progressively more to get the same effect is itself one of the clearer signs that dependence may be developing underneath.
If your loved one is in the habit of announcing plans to have an alcohol-free evening and ends up drinking regardless, this can be a sign of diminished control. Drinking, even when they technically didn’t want to, is an early indicator that something more than a simple change of mind may be going on. It’s a different pattern to a longer-standing struggle to cut back altogether, which is covered further down, but the two often appear together.
Persons experiencing alcohol use disorder are rarely picky when it comes to beverages. If it has the desired effect, taste and brand are minor considerations. This can sit alongside other habits worth noticing, such as drinking alone, drinking at unusual times of day, or being cagey about how much has actually been consumed. Secrecy and minimising often develop because, on some level, the person drinking is aware that others would be concerned if they knew the full extent of it.
This is sometimes called the “Jekyll and Hyde effect,” though real life is usually less dramatic than that phrase suggests. If your loved one’s mood or personality shifts noticeably after a few drinks, it’s worth paying attention. This isn’t limited to anger or aggression; it can also show up as sadness, unusual highs, neediness, or a drop in judgement and impulse control. Not every change in mood is caused by alcohol, and the occasional off night doesn’t mean much on its own, but a consistent, marked shift each time your partner drinks is a pattern worth noting, if only to yourself at first.
Being tetchy, easily offended and generally irritable can be part of a wider pattern, but it’s important not to read irritability alone as proof of anything. If your loved one also experiences anxiety, sweating, trembling, disturbed sleep, nausea or agitation during stretches when they stop drinking, these together may point to alcohol withdrawal, and it’s worth discussing with a health professional. This matters beyond the discomfort involved. For someone who has been drinking heavily or regularly over a long period, withdrawal can carry real medical risk, and shouldn’t be managed alone.
To persons experiencing alcohol use disorder, their substance of choice can feel like an essential item and take priority over other financial commitments. If your loved one appears to be struggling to pay rent and bills yet always finds money for alcohol, you should not ignore it. This isn’t a question of poor budgeting or bad decisions in a broader sense; it usually reflects how central drinking has become for that person, and it’s a pattern that tends to keep repeating unless it’s addressed directly.
Are your loved one’s drinking habits causing issues in their everyday life? Does it affect their performance at work? Does it cause conflict in your relationship or their relationships with others? It might also show up as broken promises to cut back, missed responsibilities, or the same argument resurfacing again and again, no matter how many times it’s been raised. It can be hard to answer these questions honestly and without making excuses for your loved one’s behaviour, but it is important that you do, even if the answers are uncomfortable.
A family history of alcohol use disorder is worth being aware of, but it’s a risk factor, not proof that your loved one currently has a problem, and it isn’t one of the behavioural signs above in the way the other nine are. Genetics and the environment someone grows up in can both increase the likelihood of alcohol dependence developing later on, but neither one makes it certain. If your loved one has family members with a difficult relationship with alcohol, it’s a reason to stay alert to the other signs on this list, not a conclusion in itself, and not something to raise with them as though it settles the question.
Whether it’s safe to raise this directly with your partner depends on your situation, and only you know how they tend to react when challenged. If there’s any chance the conversation could turn volatile, or if you’re at all unsure how they’ll respond, it’s worth talking that through with a health professional or 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) before you say anything, rather than assuming a calm conversation is guaranteed just because you intend it to be.
If you do judge it’s safe to talk to them, timing still matters. Avoid raising it while they’ve been drinking or are intoxicated, so choose a private moment, and talk about specific things you’ve noticed rather than labels. But if that doesn’t feel safe, you don’t need to raise it directly at all to get support for yourself or start looking into what help is available.
It is important to remember that loving a person with alcohol use disorder can be incredibly hard. Not only can their behaviours cause a great deal of family issues, but you may also fear judgement from your friends and family for staying with your ‘imperfect’ partner.
Alcohol addiction is treatable when someone is willing to seek professional help and engage with the recovery process, so there is no need to feel foolish for staying by their side as they come to terms with it. You’re also not responsible for diagnosing, controlling or curing your partner’s drinking. That’s not something love, patience or better communication alone can resolve, and it isn’t a fair weight to carry on your own.
Your own health matters just as much through this. It’s easy to let your world shrink around your partner’s drinking, so try to hold onto healthy coping mechanisms of your own, whether that’s exercise, talking to a friend, or simply getting enough sleep, and keep your relationships outside the one under strain intact rather than letting them fall away. Staying connected to family and friends, and not carrying this on your own, tends to leave you better placed to think clearly about what you need next.
At Hader Clinic Queensland, addiction treatment usually starts with an assessment, followed by medically supervised detox where it’s needed, and a residential program that works through the physical, emotional, social and psychological sides of the alcohol abuse, not just the drinking itself. Where anxiety, depression or another mental health condition is part of the picture, dual diagnosis treatment addresses both together rather than one at a time. Family support is built into this process, so you’re not left on the outside of your partner’s recovery.
If you would like to have a confidential conversation about recovery options for your loved one, the staff at Hader Clinic Queensland are happy to answer all your questions and discuss any concerns you might have.
Dr Mel Symon is the Director of Hader Group QLD, leading both Hader Clinic Queensland and Hader Clinic Queensland Private. With more than 30 years of experience in human services and over 20 years as a founder and business leader, Mel has played a central role in establishing and growing Queensland’s leading addiction treatment services.
Mel holds a PhD in Addiction Treatment from the University of Queensland, along with a Master of Mental Health, Master of Professional Management, and a Bachelor of Social Science. Since 2016, she has overseen the development of the 40-bed Hader Clinic Queensland residential rehabilitation program and, in 2021, the creation and opening of the 25-bed Hader Clinic Queensland Private Hospital.
Passionate about lifelong recovery, Mel is dedicated to evidence-based care, meaningful change, and supporting individuals to rebuild their lives through sustainable recovery pathways.
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