Watching our Daughter Disappear and Finding Her Again

When people think about alcoholism, they often imagine someone whose life is visibly falling apart. That was never Jade. Our daughter was intelligent, hardworking, caring, and determined. She worked in healthcare, was completing a university degree, and had a bright future ahead of her. What we didn’t realise was that she was also becoming incredibly skilled at hiding her addiction to alcohol.

To share our story, we must go back to the beginning, as this is when Jade’s dependence and subsequent addiction to alcohol first began. Like many parents, I worried when my daughter started experimenting with alcohol as a teenager. Looking back, I now know that Jade was binge drinking from the age of fourteen. Every now and then I would receive a phone call telling me that Jade had been at a party, drank too much, and had passed out. Her father Ben and I would go and collect her, have a conversation, and hope that she had learnt a lesson. The reality was that this behaviour continued throughout her teenage years.

Environment plays a significant role. Drinking among teenagers is normalised. Many people view excessive drinking as a rite of passage into adulthood. Other parents often dismiss it as typical teenage behaviour. Ben and I never felt comfortable with that attitude. We believed there was a difference between experimenting with alcohol and drinking to the point of unconsciousness. Unfortunately, because this behaviour was so common among Jade’s peers, we underestimated the significance of what was happening.

Jade was the youngest of three children and was always hardworking, intelligent, and determined. She dreamed of a career in healthcare and was committed to making that dream a reality. What we did not realise was that beneath the surface, a very different story was unfolding.

The turning point came during Covid. Jade was in her early twenties and working full time in aged care while simultaneously completing a university degree. She regularly worked additional hours. She wore her workload like a badge of honour. She would take on double shifts, study late into the night, and constantly push herself beyond her limits.

At the time, she was living at home, as well as with friends. Because of this, we did not witness the increased drinking, or the patterns of addiction. We knew she was under pressure, but we had no idea that she was drinking as a coping mechanism.

It’s evident now that alcohol had become her way of switching off and disconnecting. Instead of drinking socially, Jade was drinking alone in her bedroom and in her car. Alcohol became the handbrake she used to stop the stress, anxiety, and the exhaustion that she felt.

As healthcare professionals know, shift work can be incredibly challenging. Sleep disruption, emotional exhaustion, and exposure to trauma can take a significant toll on wellbeing. Alcohol became the solution that Jade believed was helping her cope. By the age of twenty-four, the consequences were becoming impossible to ignore.

We began receiving phone calls from her workplace telling us that Jade had collapsed. Ben and I would rush to collect her, terrified that something serious had happened. Jade had experienced health issues in the past, so we naturally assumed that there was a medical explanation. We would take her to hospital where she often refused treatment. If she declined treatment, there wasn’t anything that we could do, as she was an adult. Alcohol never even crossed our minds.

One of the reasons it went undetected was because Jade was drinking vodka. There was very little smell, and she had become incredibly skilled at hiding her addiction. She was what many people would describe as a functioning alcoholic. She kept working. She completed her university degree. She maintained relationships. She presented well. She looked successful. Meanwhile, her addiction was steadily tightening its grip.

We became aware of Jade’s alcohol addiction after one of the incidents at her work. Ben and I were helping Jade after she had collapsed. We opened the boot of her car to put some belongings in and discovered that it was full of empty alcohol bottles. Even then, Jade had an explanation ready. She told us that she was just disposing of them after a party. She had an answer for everything.

We realised that something was very wrong. What followed were years of fear, heartbreak, and repeated attempts to find help. Jade attended her first rehabilitation program overseas for seven weeks. We desperately wanted it to work. When she returned home, she genuinely believed she could control her drinking. Unfortunately, addiction had other plans, and before long she was drinking again. Looking back now, and from what we have since learnt about addiction, Jade wasn’t ready and did not commit or surrender to her recovery. She was still trying to manage the alcohol, rather than accepting that alcohol was managing her.

Over the following years she attended multiple treatment programs. All unsuccessful. There were many hospital admissions. There were periods where she would call me saying she was vomiting and believed that she had eaten something that disagreed with her. There were times when she appeared well and was convincing. There were also times we later learned that she had stopped drinking suddenly and experienced seizures. There were missing persons incidents. Every phone call filled us with dread. Every unanswered message sent us into panic, and as parents, we felt helpless.

We loved our daughter fiercely but love alone could not stop addiction. That was perhaps one of the hardest lessons for Ben and I to learn. We believed that if we loved Jade enough, supported her enough, and stood by her no matter what, that it would somehow be enough to save her. But addiction does not work that way.

At this point jobs were being lost, and relationships damaged. The life that Jade had worked so hard to build was falling apart around her. That was when we began looking seriously at longer treatment options. Short term programs had not provided enough time for lasting change. Jade agreed. For the first time, she recognised that she needed something different. At twenty-eight years of age, she entered Hader Clinic Queensland.

Jade completed two months of treatment. When she left, we were hopeful. She remained sober for two months. Then relapsed. At the time it was devastating. She had returned to life too quickly. She went back to full time work soon after being discharged, so eager to get her life back on track. It was too much, too soon, and alcohol quickly found its way back into her life.

Jade had always dreamed of working in healthcare. When her addiction continued to interfere with her career, she felt like a complete failure. The shame was enormous. I worried that Jade would refuse to return to Hader Clinic Queensland because she would view herself as a failure. I could not have been more wrong. Jade admitted she needed help. She told me she needed to return to Hader and fully surrender. This time was different. I could see it. She could see it. Everyone around her could see it. This time Jade was ready.

Jade entered Hader Clinic Queensland for a second admission and committed to three months of residential treatment, followed by three months in the transitional housing program. From the beginning there was a noticeable shift. She was open. She was honest. She stopped trying to control the process. She accepted guidance. Most importantly, she surrendered. The difference was remarkable.

Today Jade remains in recovery. Ben often says it is as though she has experienced a complete shift in mindset. I agree. The daughter we see today is thriving. She has embraced AA and built a strong community, including friendships with other clients of the Hader Clinic Queensland recovery community. 

Jade understands the importance of connection. She understands the importance of honesty. She understands that recovery must come first. Perhaps for the first time in her life, Jade is putting herself before everyone else. That may sound selfish to some people, but it is actually one of the healthiest changes that she has ever made.

Jade has always been a people pleaser. She spent much of her life putting the needs of others ahead of her own. Today she has boundaries. She prioritises her wellbeing. She protects her recovery. She understands that saying no is sometimes necessary. As parents, we could not be prouder.

What also stood out during our experience with Hader Clinic Queensland was the support extended to our family. During Jade’s second admission, both Ben and I were experiencing our own health challenges. The team at Hader went above and beyond. They regularly checked in with us. They asked how we were doing. They provided encouragement and support. We were also included in Jade’s recovery journey and never made to feel like we were standing on the sidelines. 

Ben often says that working at Hader Clinic Queensland is more than a job for the people there. He says it is a calling. I believe that is true. What sets Hader apart is the strong emphasis on the Twelve Step model and ongoing participation in AA. In our experience, this was one of the biggest differences between Hader Clinic Queensland, and many of the other programs that Jade attended.

The recovery journey did not end when treatment finished. It continued through connection, accountability, community, and ongoing personal growth. Even though Jade was not ready to fully engage during her first admission, she was welcomed back with open arms when she returned. There was no judgement. There was no shame. There was simply another opportunity to recover. That acceptance made a profound difference. If there is one message, I would like other families to take away from our story, it is this. Never lose hope, recovery is possible. However, it is not always linear. If rehab doesn’t work the first time, try again.

Addiction can be powerful. It can be frightening. It can convince you that nothing will ever change. There were times when we genuinely feared we would lose our daughter. There were times when we felt exhausted, defeated, and broken. Yet recovery remained possible. Today Jade is living proof of that. Recovery is not about being perfect. It is about being willing.

When Jade finally became willing to surrender, willing to be honest, and willing to put recovery first, everything began to change. Today she is living a life that aligns with her values. She is building meaningful relationships. She is surrounded by supportive people. She is embracing recovery with courage and determination. Most importantly, she has found herself again. And for parents who once feared losing their child to addiction, there is no greater gift than that.

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