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Priority admissions are now available
Call 1300 856 847
Priority admissions are now available - Call 1300 856 847
Priority admissions are now available
Call 1300 856 847
Discovering that someone you love has been lying to you about their drinking or drug use is one of the more painful parts of caring for someone with addiction. It compounds an already difficult situation, and it can leave family members and partners questioning their own judgement, their trust, and sometimes their relationship entirely.
Understanding why dishonesty becomes such a consistent pattern in addiction does not excuse it, but it does make it easier to respond in ways that protect your own wellbeing while keeping the door open for the person you care about.
Dishonesty in addiction is not primarily a character flaw, even when it feels that way. It is a behaviour that emerges from the psychology of dependence, and understanding how addiction affects the brain and behaviour makes it considerably easier to recognise why these patterns develop and why they are so persistent.
Almost every lie an addict tells is designed to protect continued use in some way. Once physical and psychological dependence takes hold, the drive to keep using operates with a force that overrides most other priorities. Lying becomes a practical tool, used to secure money, protect time, deflect concern, and avoid the kind of conversations that might result in reduced access to the substance.
Every addict has moments of clarity when they become aware of just how much they are hurting not just themselves, but also those closest to them, and experience intense feelings of shame and regret as a consequence.
However, as no amount of shame is going to overpower the need for drugs, the easiest option to combat shame is often to simply lie about what is going on.
Creating a more acceptable narrative, insisting things are fine, downplaying the frequency or severity of use, allows a person to continue functioning day to day without fully confronting what is happening. It is not a solution but a coping mechanism, and it is worth understanding it as such.
Addicts are usually not good at processing emotions and dealing with conflict, especially when they know deep down that their behaviour is unacceptable.
Consequently, most addicts tend to say whatever it takes in order to end an uncomfortable conversation; they might swear that today is the day they will quit drugs or simply refuse to admit that they have used at all – and they will stick to their story until their friends and family either believe or are so frustrated they leave them be.
Addicts don’t just lie to others; they also lie to themselves.
Not all of the dishonesty in addiction is directed outward. A significant amount of it is internal: believing that use is under control, that it could be stopped at any time, and that the consequences are not as serious as others suggest is a common feature of dependence, not a performance for the benefit of family members.
The part of the brain responsible for honest self-assessment is significantly affected by prolonged substance use, and the cycle of addiction involves psychological patterns that actively sustain minimisation and denial. This is one reason why external intervention, professional assessment, and structured treatment are crucial, because the person’s ability to keep themselves accountable cannot always be relied upon.
This may sound unlikely, but many addicts lie to their friends and family in order to experience a reprieve from their desperate situation.
Insisting that everything is fine, the bank account is full, the rent paid, and that social life revolves around actual social interaction rather than scoring and using, can be oddly therapeutic.
When others believe their tales of normalcy – or are too stunned to argue – addicts get to feel ‘normal’ for lack of a better word, which is a feeling many have long forgotten and will go to extraordinary lengths to protect, even if it means deceiving the very people trying to help them.
It is worth understanding that the destructive behaviours that develop alongside addiction, including dishonesty, emotional volatility, and withdrawal from relationships, are not simply choices. They are the product of significant changes to brain function that occur with sustained substance use.
Addiction hijacks the brain’s reward system, the same system responsible for motivation, pleasure, and the drive to repeat behaviours that feel good. Over time, the substance becomes the primary signal that this system responds to, and almost everything else, including honesty, connection, and long-term consequences, registers as less urgent by comparison. Understanding this does not mean holding the person without accountability, but it does provide a clearer way to make sense of what you are witnessing and to know what kind of help is actually likely to work.
Now you have a better understanding of why addicts lie, let’s look at some of the best ways to deal with the lies.
We understand that this is much easier said than done. Being lied to is an offensive experience with an astonishing amount of layers. When we are lied to, we feel disrespected, disappointed, affronted at not being trusted, worried that something in our behaviour is causing our loved one to lie to us… the list goes on.
However, they very rarely lie with malicious intent. Their lies are not designed to hurt your feelings or to punish you for something they feel you might have done; they are, in fact, completely disconnected from you. Lies are a symptom of addiction. This does not make lying okay; however, keeping this in mind can reduce the negative emotional impact.
There is very little point in engaging in an argument when they are set on sticking to a lie; however, that does not mean you should pretend to believe them.
You do not need to get into a confrontation every time you notice a lie, but you also do not need to validate it. Quietly acknowledging that you are aware something is not accurate, without escalating into an argument, is often more effective than either extreme.
It is also worth being honest with yourself about the ways you might be making continued use easier: covering financial shortfalls, managing consequences, or smoothing over situations that would otherwise have natural outcomes. This is called enabling, and many families do it out of love and exhaustion without fully recognising it. Understanding the difference between supporting someone and enabling their addiction is one of the most important things a family member can do for both the person and themselves.
No, your behaviour is not the reason your loved one is lying to you.
That said, your reaction to moments of truthfulness can encourage or discourage an addict from confiding in you.
The best strategy is to be as non-judgemental as you can be, refrain from making threats and try to keep yourself from emotional blackmail.
When you are in a relationship with someone in active addiction (whether you are their partner, parent, friend or child), it can often feel as though they are persisting in their substance abuse because they don’t care about you.
It is important to keep in mind that addiction is an illness, and once it has taken hold, the individual has very little control over their actions.
If you stay away from dramatic reactions, you are doing the best you can to create a supportive atmosphere, which may eventually lead your loved one to the road to recovery.
Boundaries are not punishments. They are the limits you put in place to protect your own wellbeing and to avoid participating in patterns that prolong the problem. A clear, calmly stated boundary, such as being unwilling to provide money when you believe it will fund drug or alcohol use, is different from an ultimatum made in anger and then not followed through.
Boundaries only work when they are consistent. If you say something and then don’t follow through, the message received is that the boundary is negotiable, which tends to reinforce the very behaviour you are trying to address.
Living closely with someone who has a dependence problem is exhausting, and the constant management of dishonesty adds its own particular layer of stress. Your own mental health matters independently of what is happening with your loved one, and accessing support for yourself is not a luxury or a distraction from helping them. It is one of the things most likely to sustain your capacity to stay present in the relationship over time.
Hader Clinic Queensland offers family therapy and education for exactly this reason. Our free family guide to addiction is also a practical starting point if you are trying to understand what you are dealing with and what your options are.
If you are concerned about a loved one’s substance use, or if you are unsure whether what you are witnessing constitutes a problem that needs professional attention, it is worth having a conversation with someone who understands addiction well.
For immediate advice, Australians can contact the National Alcohol and Other Drug Hotline (1800 250 015), a free and confidential service providing counselling, information and referrals to local support services.
In urgent situations, Lifeline (13 11 14) or Alcohol Drug Information Service (ADIS) (1800 177 833) are both available 24 hours a day for emotional crisis support.
Hader Clinic Queensland offers drug and alcohol addiction treatment that follows a structured three-phase approach: medically supervised detox within a licensed private hospital accredited by HDAA, followed by residential rehabilitation with programs of four, eight, or twelve weeks, and then ongoing aftercare and outpatient support to provide continuity through the transition back into everyday life.
The residential program is independently accredited by QIP and draws on evidence-based approaches across counselling, psychoeducation, physical therapy, and peer support through the therapeutic community model.
Learn more about residential addiction treatment
Dr Mel Symon is the Director of Hader Group QLD, leading both Hader Clinic Queensland and Hader Clinic Queensland Private. With more than 30 years of experience in human services and over 20 years as a founder and business leader, Mel has played a central role in establishing and growing Queensland’s leading addiction treatment services.
Mel holds a PhD in Addiction Treatment from the University of Queensland, along with a Master of Mental Health, Master of Professional Management, and a Bachelor of Social Science. Since 2016, she has overseen the development of the 40-bed Hader Clinic Queensland residential rehabilitation program and, in 2021, the creation and opening of the 25-bed Hader Clinic Queensland Private Hospital.
Passionate about lifelong recovery, Mel is dedicated to evidence-based care, meaningful change, and supporting individuals to rebuild their lives through sustainable recovery pathways.
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